Dare I Say It?

roomies on the beach

It has been nearly a month since I have blogged, and I feel grateful for the way this opening has, finally, gracefully made its way into my capability. Although I have been silent in terms of expression of the thoughts, reflections, and activities that have been taking place in my life, my mind has certainly not been so still- in short, my internal dialog has not been so inactive as my blog. The past few weeks have brought waves of new understanding to me, and quite honestly, I have had a hard time processing all of the newness, even when that newness is largely comprised of changes that I consider to be positive. I will address a few of these areas of "newness", briefly.

I live in a household that values the potential of each person to be genius. Genius in their creativity, their gifts and contributions, the positive impact that each person can make in a larger group by simply being themselves and working in a conscious way with those around them. From this perspective, living in an intentional household is a way of practicing what it is like to live as an organism comprised of many parts. Like clusters of mushrooms, colonies of ants, beehives, what may seem to be an individual is actually a complexly connected aspect of the entire living cooperative. As we become aware of the ways that we affect each other and open to the possibilities of how we can use this phenomenon to bring out the best in each other, we actively gain power on an individual and collective basis. A huge part of this change has taken place even within the last week, after spending a whole day within a three-day retreat as a household, holding open discussions with each other. What came out of our conversations was "practical" and "productive" on multiple levels. Yes, we created a list of action items to be accomplished, which we have already started work on (things such as garden planning for the next season, aesthetics-boosting in the household, committee meetings for upcoming projects, preparations for future potential roommates...). On another level, what most of us have found just as much, if not more powerfully effective is the consciousness of communication and personal care that we came away with. One at a time, in different ways, the people I am surrounded by, including myself, opened up in ways that felt vulnerable. Ways we felt unappreciated in daily interactions, bullied by popular beliefs and assumptions, afraid of the darker side of our personal internal experiences- all of these were brought carefully into the safety of our willingness to listen, and to speak from a place of authenticity. The resulting conversations brought about deep experiences of connection to each other, as humans and as friends (not to mention as community members, project companions, and housemates). It opened us to a healing level of care, awareness, and acceptance that has continued to unfurl its blessings as we begin to apply our revelations to our daily choices.

my other family

getting to know you

In another arena, I have been exploring relationships not only in a communal setting, but also in a partnership setting, through a dating relationship. Again, I have witnessed the healing and unfolding affects of interacting with a person in a way that does not guard against failures and inadequacies, but rather, tries to accept them (and move towards being one's best self). To be loved and accepted even in what feels to be an incomplete form of my personal development truly takes practice.  I recognize this reality even more clearly when I see it the other way around- when someone else is feeling the same way; all of these aspects of life take practice! They do not simply come naturally, especially when they really emerge from a paradigm that has long been discounted, dismissed, or ignored altogether. From my perspective, the "new" paradigm I am talking about is one of liberation. In this paradigm (worldview, philosophical framework underlying theories and methodologies of how something should be done), individuals are liberated to experience themselves as fully as possible, in all of the aspects of his/her existence, including the communal ways they are connected to other individuals. This liberation comes from acceptance, compassion, education, and creativity, all based on foundations of health that come from a large, interlocking base of support (including how we feed and use our bodies, how we interact with our minds, and the power of our own will, especially in what we say). Each of those characteristics (acceptance, compassion, education, and creativity) could (and should) be more widely expounded on. But I am getting to that wordy, tired stage, so I need to wrap this up...

As I mentioned earlier, I have honestly become overwhelmed in response to both the communal and personal levels of unfolding that have been taking place for me. For the majority of my life thus far, I have practiced patterns within mental systems that I use to cope with my world. One of the things I experienced this week was the sensation of feeling emotional stress in my physical body- not just the emotional stress of one moment, but the built up effects of years of concentrated trauma to the nervous system. These patterns have resulted in an experience of myself as a person who lives with a lot of nervousness, anxiety, and over-analyzing in nearly every kind of situation. Many people who have known me may perhaps not recognize those descriptions of me, but they are ways I have felt painfully isolated for a long time. As I finally, slowly, have been able to really let down my guards and feel my own body, I felt the sensation of aching muscles, so sensitive I could barely handle to be touched. I felt electric and burning, charged with energy that was surfacing for perhaps the first time in my life. I have tried to offer myself as many healing, compassionate, and gentle activities and circumstances as possible, including dance, rest, reading, stretching, healthy eating, and journaling. Still, though, the system I am most accustomed to using to compute and analyze my life is my mind, and quite frankly, my mind has not known at all what to do with this major input of new possibilities.

It was in this state and cycle that I found this video in another blog I subscribe to. It felt like true education to listen to these three deeply sensitive, brave, and intelligent panelists teach their findings and perspectives on mind-body interrelatedness, and the powerful effects of mindfulness meditation. I feel like this is exactly what I needed as my next step right now. Though I have had many people refer me to the practice of meditation, and though I have spent quite a lot of time practicing it myself, this new bit of understanding really helps me to feel like it is an accessible form of healing and strengthening for me. I am going to start small- which for me right now means 11 minutes every morning of quiet, peaceful breathing, using the mindfulness techniques described in this video. Will you join me on a 15-day challenge of practicing daily mindfulness? I officially invite you to end the month of December, and transition out of this year in the next two weeks by taking time and setting the foundational habits for a life-changing mindfulness practice.

http://youtu.be/5TeWvf-nfpA



The other thing that helped me immensely was talking to my sister. I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family in my New Mexico Home for the rest of December. I am immeasurably grateful to be able to go touch home-base on physical and heart-levels, and then return to my Oregon Home to begin a brand new, beautiful year! Please continue to check in on my blog in 2014. I will begin to reincorporate the How-To section more, especially as the planting season begins in the spring! I would love to share it with you! Much love <3

Also Please don't forget our Home Grown kickstarter! We have 13 days left for you to become a part of a wonderful success story that will continue to share its benefits to your stomachs and to the world :)   http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/hgfp/home-grown-food-products-ferment-a-revolution

Go Team Go

Upon Departure

* Queen Bee * 

all about me 

I am writing from the kitchen of the Walnut City Homestead! I will be writing more about that after spending some time really sinking into life here for a while. 

In preparation of departure this week, I was at the magic of memory as it is tied to location! As I completed my last errands, had my last (for now) meetings with friends, I got to spend a lot of time looking out windows of cars and busses, riding my bike and walking. I passed so many familiar places. It seemed that every street held the remembered presence of some interaction, some happenstance, some encounter or emotion or voyage that took place there at some point during my time living in Albuquerque over the past 10 years. As I said goodbye mentally to all of these places, it was like parting, also, with past forms of myself and ways that I had been in relationship to my world. These reoccurring passages of release feel peaceful and necessary to being able to experience a new place with my full attention. 

One of my favorite places by far is the petroglyph Mesa on the West border of town. In addition to having spent much reflective time there in many seasons, states of mind, and times of day, it is a place that reminds me more than ever of my family. Release does not mean regret; parting does not mean forsaking; opening to the new is built on the foundation of the old, not the forgetting of it. For roads that brought me here and roads that lead me forward, blessed be ~ 

* Workers * 

for doers and makers 

Some bits about sewing (from: Apron-making with the left-over pieces of my blanket project, made out of my favorite old wrap-around skirt).

POINT ONE: A hole on the edge or loose seams can be easily mended by simply...

  

• fold the two pieces facing each other 
• Sew about an eighth of an inch from the edge 

POINT 2: A frayed edge can be hemmed by simply... 

• Folding the edge over itself to make a straight line 

Sewing about an eighth of an inch in from the edge

POINT 3: A Pocket can be sewn by...

• Cutting out the pocket shape
• Folding the edges in to make straight edges 
• Pinning it to the back surface
• Sewing about an 8th of an inch from the edge 

POINT 4: A handy trick when changing directions is to lift the foot and keep the needle in the fabric; then you can rotate the fabric using the needle as an anchor.                               Finished apron! 

 
POINT 5: when your needle breaks it is time to go to bed

* Gatherers * 

for savorers of the sweet stuff 

                                                                        Thank you Melanie 

* Drones *

for lovers

         The story this week is about safety and danger, and the power of voice. The quote that keeps guiding me in quiet moments this week is where I shall begin here as well: 

"Awareness melts the ice of the automatic into the flow of evolution." 

The automatic is the system of brain patterns that we have been taught, learned, or picked up, directly or indirectly throughout the course of our lives, since the time we were born into this world. These patterns have served a purpose and have at times been useful as a way of operating in the world. The problem with something frozen solid like ice glaciers, though, is that it's rigidity inhibits it from being able to freely interact with and participate with what is currently taking place around it. This is the part about evolution. I understand evolution here as the constant, active dialog between a creature and its environment. As climates, landscapes, populations, food sources, and needs change, most creatures are able to notice these happenings and adjust their behavior to accommodate for the new circumstances. The magic of life within their cells can even begin to adjust physical characteristics and abilities. This miraculous process of adaptation can be seen as a dance between the inner and the out, the tiny piece and it's larger context. When we as humans accept rigid brain patterns that cause us to act based on an old story we tell ourselves about how something SHOULD be done, then we are cutting off some of our other senses, which are deeply in tune with what is CURRENTLY taking place, and which have the awesome ability to show us the best way forward through a situation, when we are listening.

             The practical life situation that I have seen correspond to this concept in the last few weeks is speaking up for oneself in uncomfortable, out-of-balance situations.  Many friends and I have recently experienced some kind of situation in which we felt mistreated, disrespected, invaded, or not appreciated. For us, the automatic brain patterns that we had learned to accommodate over time and which had become like frozen solid ice in our psyches, usually led us to react to these situations and people by keeping the status quo, avoiding confrontation, and immediately silencing our inner voice of instinct or "gut feeling" in order to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. In the end, this only left us feeling used, sad, discredited, dissatisfied, and worst of all, a subtle but terrible sense of self-betrayal. "Why didn't you stand up for me?" The inner child seems to ask; "Why do you honor me less than every other person you encounter?" the inner God-presence notices; "Why does keeping peace in the situation always have to come at the cost of my own well being?" the truest version of yourself urges. When we became aware of these patterns of interaction with people, my friends and I made a decision to really pay attention to that inner voice of intuition that always seems to notice immediately when something is "off" in a way that compromises our own dignity and integrity as people, and as women. After choosing to pay attention to this new awareness, we then have ourselves mental permission to act in accordance with that inner urging, even when that meant standing up to someone and speaking our own truth. A wonderful "melting" took place then! In a liquid form, we are able to respond much more readily to the needs and information offered by the situations taking place around us. Guided by a new sense of instinct that is in communication with the present moment, it is amazingly possible to FLOW with and around the changes in circumstance and environment that we find ourselves in. This active participation with the dance of adaptation, the give-and-take of life's evolution also seems to have some beautiful properties! Although it may SEEM that keeping quiet when something feels wrong and ignoring your own needs so someone else can feel comfortable, we don't actually know that, that "non-disrupted" outcome is actually the best thing at all! It seems that there are actually much better results when we act honestly and bravely in alignment with our inner sense of knowing! Whether we can see the positive outcome or not, when we respect ourselves and act accordingly, our honor and integrity inevitably work good for everyone else involved as well ~ 

"Awareness melts the ice of the automatic into the flow of evolution."