Dare I Say It?

roomies on the beach

It has been nearly a month since I have blogged, and I feel grateful for the way this opening has, finally, gracefully made its way into my capability. Although I have been silent in terms of expression of the thoughts, reflections, and activities that have been taking place in my life, my mind has certainly not been so still- in short, my internal dialog has not been so inactive as my blog. The past few weeks have brought waves of new understanding to me, and quite honestly, I have had a hard time processing all of the newness, even when that newness is largely comprised of changes that I consider to be positive. I will address a few of these areas of "newness", briefly.

I live in a household that values the potential of each person to be genius. Genius in their creativity, their gifts and contributions, the positive impact that each person can make in a larger group by simply being themselves and working in a conscious way with those around them. From this perspective, living in an intentional household is a way of practicing what it is like to live as an organism comprised of many parts. Like clusters of mushrooms, colonies of ants, beehives, what may seem to be an individual is actually a complexly connected aspect of the entire living cooperative. As we become aware of the ways that we affect each other and open to the possibilities of how we can use this phenomenon to bring out the best in each other, we actively gain power on an individual and collective basis. A huge part of this change has taken place even within the last week, after spending a whole day within a three-day retreat as a household, holding open discussions with each other. What came out of our conversations was "practical" and "productive" on multiple levels. Yes, we created a list of action items to be accomplished, which we have already started work on (things such as garden planning for the next season, aesthetics-boosting in the household, committee meetings for upcoming projects, preparations for future potential roommates...). On another level, what most of us have found just as much, if not more powerfully effective is the consciousness of communication and personal care that we came away with. One at a time, in different ways, the people I am surrounded by, including myself, opened up in ways that felt vulnerable. Ways we felt unappreciated in daily interactions, bullied by popular beliefs and assumptions, afraid of the darker side of our personal internal experiences- all of these were brought carefully into the safety of our willingness to listen, and to speak from a place of authenticity. The resulting conversations brought about deep experiences of connection to each other, as humans and as friends (not to mention as community members, project companions, and housemates). It opened us to a healing level of care, awareness, and acceptance that has continued to unfurl its blessings as we begin to apply our revelations to our daily choices.

my other family

getting to know you

In another arena, I have been exploring relationships not only in a communal setting, but also in a partnership setting, through a dating relationship. Again, I have witnessed the healing and unfolding affects of interacting with a person in a way that does not guard against failures and inadequacies, but rather, tries to accept them (and move towards being one's best self). To be loved and accepted even in what feels to be an incomplete form of my personal development truly takes practice.  I recognize this reality even more clearly when I see it the other way around- when someone else is feeling the same way; all of these aspects of life take practice! They do not simply come naturally, especially when they really emerge from a paradigm that has long been discounted, dismissed, or ignored altogether. From my perspective, the "new" paradigm I am talking about is one of liberation. In this paradigm (worldview, philosophical framework underlying theories and methodologies of how something should be done), individuals are liberated to experience themselves as fully as possible, in all of the aspects of his/her existence, including the communal ways they are connected to other individuals. This liberation comes from acceptance, compassion, education, and creativity, all based on foundations of health that come from a large, interlocking base of support (including how we feed and use our bodies, how we interact with our minds, and the power of our own will, especially in what we say). Each of those characteristics (acceptance, compassion, education, and creativity) could (and should) be more widely expounded on. But I am getting to that wordy, tired stage, so I need to wrap this up...

As I mentioned earlier, I have honestly become overwhelmed in response to both the communal and personal levels of unfolding that have been taking place for me. For the majority of my life thus far, I have practiced patterns within mental systems that I use to cope with my world. One of the things I experienced this week was the sensation of feeling emotional stress in my physical body- not just the emotional stress of one moment, but the built up effects of years of concentrated trauma to the nervous system. These patterns have resulted in an experience of myself as a person who lives with a lot of nervousness, anxiety, and over-analyzing in nearly every kind of situation. Many people who have known me may perhaps not recognize those descriptions of me, but they are ways I have felt painfully isolated for a long time. As I finally, slowly, have been able to really let down my guards and feel my own body, I felt the sensation of aching muscles, so sensitive I could barely handle to be touched. I felt electric and burning, charged with energy that was surfacing for perhaps the first time in my life. I have tried to offer myself as many healing, compassionate, and gentle activities and circumstances as possible, including dance, rest, reading, stretching, healthy eating, and journaling. Still, though, the system I am most accustomed to using to compute and analyze my life is my mind, and quite frankly, my mind has not known at all what to do with this major input of new possibilities.

It was in this state and cycle that I found this video in another blog I subscribe to. It felt like true education to listen to these three deeply sensitive, brave, and intelligent panelists teach their findings and perspectives on mind-body interrelatedness, and the powerful effects of mindfulness meditation. I feel like this is exactly what I needed as my next step right now. Though I have had many people refer me to the practice of meditation, and though I have spent quite a lot of time practicing it myself, this new bit of understanding really helps me to feel like it is an accessible form of healing and strengthening for me. I am going to start small- which for me right now means 11 minutes every morning of quiet, peaceful breathing, using the mindfulness techniques described in this video. Will you join me on a 15-day challenge of practicing daily mindfulness? I officially invite you to end the month of December, and transition out of this year in the next two weeks by taking time and setting the foundational habits for a life-changing mindfulness practice.

http://youtu.be/5TeWvf-nfpA



The other thing that helped me immensely was talking to my sister. I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family in my New Mexico Home for the rest of December. I am immeasurably grateful to be able to go touch home-base on physical and heart-levels, and then return to my Oregon Home to begin a brand new, beautiful year! Please continue to check in on my blog in 2014. I will begin to reincorporate the How-To section more, especially as the planting season begins in the spring! I would love to share it with you! Much love <3

Also Please don't forget our Home Grown kickstarter! We have 13 days left for you to become a part of a wonderful success story that will continue to share its benefits to your stomachs and to the world :)   http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/hgfp/home-grown-food-products-ferment-a-revolution

Go Team Go

And So It Begins

* Queen * 

all about me

 news from my life

Hello! I am posting on a Monday, instead of a Saturday, again, because it has been turning out that my weekends are the most busy days of the week so far! This Saturday I went with one of my housemates down to a farm in Eugene for a gathering of the Oregon Bio-Dynamics group. Just as humans can use herbs to make homeopathic medicines that help work with our bodies to heal them when we are sick (I gratefully benefited from the success of homeopathic medicine all growing up!), Bio-Dynamics is a way of creating homeopathic cures for the Earth. Carefully prepared fertilizers timed to seasons and movements of the planets, this Ayurveda for the earth deeply aids the soil, not merely by offering dense nutrients, but by applying qualities of nature that allow the soil to open itself to what it needs from its environment. I sure enjoyed my introduction to this complex process. About thirty of us worked all day, digging holes, tenderly preparing animal parts, praying in a big circle, and finally (after trudging through a muddy bog, a first for me), enjoying a fantastic potluck.

Sunday was our household work party. With the onset of winter, it is time to embrace the part of the life cycle that includes dying, releasing, and being cleared away. In this spirit of gratitude for the rich harvest and willingness that such colorful, bright abundance should come again next year, we cleared out at least eight rows of old tomatoes, tomatillos, corn, beans, and squash. Out comes the nettle, the stakes and twine, and soon the plots are cleared out for the next planting of winter crops. Of this vibrant harvest, one of my housemates and I cooked a dinner for ten people, my first shift as chef in the household rotation. The joy that I receive from being a part of the process of harvesting and caring for these plants, and then seeing, smelling, and tasting them in such a colorful, delicious, and wonderfully healthy meal, is enough to allow me to say that as much as my heart sometimes burns for my friends and family down in Albuquerque, I know that I am exactly where I need to be ~ 

                                             

(a very simple recipe of carrots, leeks, onion, squash, and beets roasted in a pan in the oven for 40 min in olive oil, anise, and fennel) 

* Worker Bees * 

for do-ers and make-ers

 practical skill, tips,  or tasks I have learned this week

Just a couple of tips for keeping clean, beautiful, non-stick cast iron pans 

(this does not include instructions for curing the pans when you first get them or they need renewing) 

• In a pan that is properly cured (non-stick with a good layer of grease) most cooking should not really leave much of a mess. In these cases, using a simple scraper to clear out any food bits will leave the pan greasy and clean- no need for water

• When the pan requires more cleaning, use hot water but no soap. You can use a steel sponge as long as you don't scrape too hard. In this case, after washing it is good to heat the pan on the stove to help dry it out, and then add a nice layer of good, high-heat oil, such as coconut, canola, or sunflower 

* Gatherer Bees *

for savorers of the sweet stuff

 sticky, juicy, colorful, sweet stuff that serves as inspiration 

                           Our lovely home                             (garden, my room, dining room)    

Gathering the great chanterelles!   

      

                          

 

* Drones * 

for lovers

 short essays and stories about things that are important to me when it comes to creation and sustenance of Life

The Meditation of Flow

This Wednesday, I joined one of my housemates out at the Community Supported Agriculture farm where he works. I helped to harvest kale (Tuscan heritage  a.k.a. “Dino,” and red winter), peppers (pepercinos, Hungarian sweets, red bells, paprika), lemon cucumbers, and the last of the basil, (green and purple ruffles) and sweet beans. This was my first experience of harvesting on a larger scale, enough to bring to two restaurants and two large CSA deliveries. As far as farming goes, this is really quite small, but when considering that every single bean and basil leaf was to be collected by our fingertips, it seemed a rather large-scale task to a first-timer. This experience, the first of many to come, taught me a lot, especially about a kind of meditation that I think I will come to cherish more and more as time goes on. Our first item of the day was the basil, which grew in raised beds. As I first began to bend and squat, trying to position myself over the plants in a stable and efficient way, I began, after a few minutes, to mentally panic a bit. Oh my gosh, this is so uncomfortable! There are so many leaves! This is going to take so long! My calves, thighs, back, butt, fingers, and neck suddenly understood what it means to “harvest.” Just like an uncomfortable yoga pose or the somewhat shocking silence of a first meditation sit, the physical position of this work really called for a certain inner position of the mind and heart. Instead of continuing to panic or feel miserable, I began to ask the plants, and ask my body for a flow that would allow me to move through the work gracefully, using my energy well. What this means to me is that I have always approached work, especially physical labor, with a kind of toughness that says, “Move aside- I got this.” If I try to accomplish this work by my own gusto, though, I end up sore, stiff, and exhausted. Instead, this interaction asks for a gentler approach- pulling, carrying, and picking not with the force of muscular resistance, but rather, with careful sensitivity to the ways my body can use balance, the right application of force, and steady patience to find the easiest, smoothest, and softest way to move and interact with plants, boxes, and otherwise. 

As an Aquarius who loves to have theories to hold theories, and a person attracted to the philosophy in things in general, it is so much more fulfilling to me to come upon these kinds of lessons in such a physical way, a way that my mind alone could never understand if my body was not doing the work or finding the flow so intuitively. No matter what kinds of physical work or movement you do throughout your day, out of choice or necessity  you might be amazed at what your body has to teach about slightly different ways to do things that makes a better, more lasting and healthy use of energy ~     

Once I Wished On a Fountain...

* Queen Bee * 

It's true, not only did I wish on a fountain, but I wished for my wish on a coin that held the dream itself upon its back: an Oregon quarter. It flew into the air over my shoulder and fell with a splash behind my back, and once the coin is tossed, it seems, there's no going back! My bags are packed, with scattered bits to be stuffed or carefully maneuvered into the mix. I have one more week to spend soaking in the pleasures of my family and friends, and mentally preparing myself to recognize a totally new living environment as reality (these things take time for me...). During my last day at work today, I felt like I was in a giant game of Red Rover. "Red rover, red rover, send Melissa on over!" my friends in Oregon cry, and my loved ones here swing me, and swing me, and then fling me off; I anticipate the joy and relief of landing in the arms of my new chain of kindred links soon! 

* Workers * 

for doers and makers 

Some tips for making a light, fluffy, perfect pie crust: 

• Once dry ingredients are mixed, chop up the butter into squares and mix in. These little chunks will melt when baking, giving the crust it's light quality 
• Preferably, use a food processor so the mixing is fast and sustains little contact- do not kneed the dough because the longer and more vigorously it is touched, the more the gluten is released, making it sticky and thick
• When trying to weave the layers on the top, it can be useful use a sheet of wax paper to fold the strips back onto while you weave over and under 
• When baking, remember to cover the edges of the pie with a circle of tin foil whose center had been cut out, this way the center of the pie cooks while the crust doesn't burn! 

Ps. These are all the tips our mom gave us after eating our thick, nutty-flavored whole wheat crust for our Pears-from-Papa's-Tree-Pie, for which we did none of these things. We liked it; it was not light and flaky ;) 

           

* Gatherers * 

for savorers of the sweet stuff 

Here is a song that came to me a couple of months ago, in another full moon.

Sound Cloud recording of Lost Song

In the moon I remember

How hungry I have been

How my belly’s held the burn

How my eyes have seen the rim

Of the edge of the ocean

Where the possible is formed,

Snagging fringes of the question

Of why I was born.

Oh the artist never sleeps  

Holy restless, holy need

Oh you sacred shadow walkers

Oh you half and hoping breed

Can I kiss you, can I hold you

Are there arms enough to reach

Round the vastness of your calling;

Bid me enter bid me breach

Once I dreampt of a home

And since then I heard the word

That it happens in the soul

But I’m sensing still a circle

In the center of my torso

That’s longing even moreso

For a literal, loving home.  

In the rushing forth of water

The river may recall

How the rocks had slowly catered up

How time had built a wall

Oh the freedom of the binding

Of the soul to soul

This disparity’s been finding me

Both bitter, and bold.

(chorus) 

Oh the emptiness I’ve carried

Oh timidity and pain                

Eyes cast downward, waiting patiently

To take all earthly blame

Now the prophet stands on sturdy feet

The people crowd and strangers meet

And listening is clear and soft

And peace is here, the battle’s fought.

Oh weary separate soldiers,

Come and eat, leave your front lines

For the homestead, integrate your head

With living, tell a new tale

Where the brave are quick to listen slow to speak

When the speaking’s in repeat

Of what’s been told, what’s getting old

That we are fighting our way to the final defeat-

(chorus) 

* Drones *

for lovers

Today's reflections took into account some of the many wonderful and fascinating conversations I have had with friends over the last few weeks. I felt especially aware of the way that I can approach any question of life in an intellectual way, and thus any idea may be just that- an argument, a perspective, a persuasion. Though they may be stimulating or good for conversation, ideas and philosophies in and of themselves are not enough to truly satisfy me as I try to live each moment. I began to feel that much confusion and many situations that involve regret, mistakes, or second-doubts are often due to a basic disconnect with oneself. So what does it mean to be myself? I have come to this question thousands of times in my life, and I have come up with any number of intellectually-founded responses! But today I decided to go straight to a new question: what does it feel like to be me ? Taking nice, slow, deep breaths, I asked this question over and over again, and found my answer over and over again. There I was! So easily, so immediately, right behind all of the thoughts, beliefs, and stories that I could, and do, and very well may tell to myself, I already am myself, simply and presently here as Me- who else could it be!? And as I grow older, what this "me" is will most certainly change,  adapt, shift, and expand- but who I could become has very little to do with exactly who I am right now, in this moment. And right now in this moment, all of the parts of me that do currently exist are here, present, and real; I do not have to wait for anything to be fully me as I am now!